loa_log

Here goes my rant:

My nuclear family consist of five people.

My parents, two younger brothers and myself.

This New Years was the first time I saw all of us together in 20 years or so. The last time would have been when we came back to Japan for my grandfather’s funeral on my mom’s side when I was in elementary school, and I’m 30 years old now. Since 20 years ago, we’ve all seen each other separately either in Japan or the US. My brothers lived with my mom in Hawaii until graduating high school and I’d visit them on my breaks from school as well. My brothers and I would come back to Japan for winter break to spend New Years with my dad and other family. Even my mom came to visit my dad two times since she found out that he has cancer, but every time would be asked to leave after a few days stay.

Well, let’s just say that New Years wasn’t the happy family gathering we would have liked (as expected.) Although my dad seemed excited that everyone was coming over, cleaning the house and getting their futons ready, once they arrived, he didn’t seem welcoming at all…My parents didn’t fight like I remember them doing all the years back, but the air was so heavy that I just wanted to run away. And that’s what I did, but only after I endured spending New Years day with them.

I took two days away from the house that they were all staying at and enjoyed my time alone. I’m still not ready to head back there, but I also want to be able to spend time with the all of them since this could be the last time we are all together in this lifetime.

My Hopes

I’ll never understand what my dad’s going though because we are so different and I’m only as dying as the next healthy 30-year-old, but I hope that he can find a way to live his own life without having to hurt and irritate the people around him. I know I’m supposed to be thankful that I even have a family that’s all alive and mostly well, it gets harder and harder to be grateful for the opportunity to be in this situation when your daily routine consists of cleaning up after an adult baby and being belittled for all the things that you can’t do.

So, when the rest of the family arrived, I took the opportunity to run away. I hope my mom and brothers got a little sample of what it’s been like for the past few months.

I hope that my dad can recover enough to live on his own again with the help of his care manager and home care nurses. Living with him has been rough on me, but it has to have been draining for him too since he’s lived on his own for so long.

I hope I can find somewhere to be that’s not too close and not too far. Close enough that I can drive over within a few hours’ notice, but far enough that I can have my own life outside of being a caretaker.

Finally

My thoughts on my family are that we should not be together.

The best decision my parents made for us has been to separate, and although we’ll always be family, I don’t think we need to be at the same place at the same time. It feels sad when I type it out, but it’s the most peaceful solution.

Well, that’s my dysfunctional family. How’s yours?